It is almost Christmas and I want you to know that I have been a very good boy. I mean, it’s true that I peed in the house a few times, but that’s not my fault. My heart medication made me pee. Also, I did poop in my mom’s shoes once, but please listen to my side of the story! Mom tried to give me my heart medication in CHICKEN! It’s supposed to be in steak!
A guys gotta protest that, right?
Anyway, this is my Christmas list for this year, and since I’ve been a very good boy, I hope to see these under the Christmas tree.
Who doesn’t want crispy, crackling, fresh off the pan bacon?! None of those ‘beggin strip’ replicas please. I want real human bacon freshly cooked, and delivered to my bowl. Since I understand this is greasy and will force me to eat the packaging as well, it is fine to leave this with my mom and have her cook them on Christmas.
It’s also fine if she just gives it to me now.
I would also like some bully sticks please. My mom only got them for me once, but I remember them being delicious. Barely had I sat on her toes to knit on this delectable morsel that both mom and dad yelled, “What is that ungodly stench?”
They thought I’d pooped. Isn’t that a riot? They opened the windows. They just had no appreciation for the full-bodied flavor that is the bully stick.
A Puzzle Toy
Humans always seem to think I need more toys. Let’s be real here, Santa. Even if I got a new squeaky, I’m going to grab up the wrapping paper and race through the house with it, ignoring the toy completely. Also, not to put too fine a point of it but I’m old. At 13 years old I’d be more glad to see a -heated- bed for my geriatric joints then some new fangled thing that goes squeak squeak.
If I must have a toy though, I think I’d like a puzzle toy. My brother Tank is also a foody, and sometimes he tries to bulldoze right through me and get my food. Fortunately, he’s very stupid, so if you got me a puzzle toy I could keep my food locked in the ‘safe’ as it were until I’m done eating.
I already know how to work one puzzle toy, but a second one would be very nice. Maybe something that swings, so I can swing it right into Tank’s nosey face. Er—not that I’d do that Santa, I’m a very good boy.
A Steaming Pile of Horse Pucky
No really! One time at the park there was a horse show, and mom stopped to chat with a rider. While she was busy, I noticed a gigantic, fresh, steaming pile of horse poo and decided to give myself a beauty treatment. The smell! I’ll always remember it.
I think mom will also, always remember it. Unfortunately, she washed me off as soon as we got home. Until then, I had the finest perfume of all the dogs at the park.
If you could drop this secretly in the back, perhaps under the deck so mom can’t clean it easily, that would be great.
Stella and Chewy’s “Meal Mixers.”
This is THE STUFF. I was first introduced to these when my mom cluelessly brought home some kibble with these little gems mixed into it. She thought I’d eat it all. HA! I am a conoseur, and when I saw these bad boys, I knew what I had to do.
Mom came back later to find my food spread across the entire living room, and me picking the last delicious freeze dried morsel out from between the stupid ol’ kibble.
That being said, they make a bag of just the freeze-dried bits. Can I have some pleeeaaaaasee?! They could be a filler for the puzzle toy.
A Word About Moms
Finally dear Santa, I know you will be getting a list from my mother. She is a dog lover, so no doubt she will include things on my list that she thinks I will enjoy. Please note, dear Santa, that I would NOT like a woolly sweater, even if it matches my moms.
I would also NOT like booties to keep my feet warm in the snow. I’m just not going out until June. No thank you. Finally, I would rather wear booties, a silly hat, and a parka than eat any sort of fish oil. I know it’s good for my heart and my kidneys and my joints and everything else, but I’m NOT EATING IT.
Thank you so much for reading my letter, and just a reminder, I’M A VERY GOOD BOY. Please don’t listen to anyone else, as what ever they say isn’t true. There’s no evidence. Even if there is, there’s probably a very good explanation for it, so ask me first.
Better yet, just remind yourself I’m a good boy no matter what you see.
Your best friend ever,
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