7 things your chihuahua wants you to know

Dear mom or dad,

As a chihuahua owner, I’m sure you’re well aware that chihuahuas are–well–different from other dogs. We’re smaller, sassier, and frankly cuter than almost any other breed you can think of. As your resident chihuahua, I’m here to let you know about 7 things your chihuahua wants you to know about chihuahua life.

Check the bed before you fluff the blankets please

Chihuahuas are burrowers, meaning we love to snuggle under blankets (ad) and pillows to keep warm. We’re surprisingly good at it too. You might think the blanket looks flat except one tiny wrinkle and you’ll give it a respectable snap to get it straight again–but that wrinkle was actually a dog.

Do not fluff me out of bed please. I do not want to be airborne.

I don’t actually want a bath for my birthday

I have no idea who started this trend of giving your pet a ‘spa day’ for their birthday, but it’s got to stop. You know I don’t like baths. You know I don’t like having my nails done. Combine that together with having my anus pinched and being blasted dry by a cold wind and you’ve completed the worst day ever.

Instead, take me to the beach. Help me find a real good mud puddle to roll in. Let me sniff as long as I want to on a walk! These are good birthday presents. For real.

YOU go poop in the ice and snow. I’m going behind the couch.

I bet if you had to go potty in the same situations you expect me to go out in, I’d have my own personal port-a-potty stat. They say chihuahuas are notoriously hard to potty train, but that’s not really the case. A lab will poop in a blizzard because you told him to. If you expect me to, I want you standing right there with me so I know you’re aware of the weather conditions.

If you really don’t want hidden poop, you can always monetize potty time. I’m willing to poop in the snow for really good pay–I take fresh cooked meat of any kind as currency.

Also if you reward me for going outside and coming back in–I didn’t necessarily poop. You still need to go with me.

On that note – I also want to see more than this one couch

While lots of people treat chihuahuas like a glorified house ornament, I know you care more about me than that. I want to see more of the world than just the house! Let’s go run by the lake, feel the sand between our toes, sniff the forests. Not to put too fine a point on it but my lifespan is drastically shorter than yours, and I spend most of it waiting for you to come home.

When you are home, let’s do something together. Let’s go see, smell, and pee on the whole world.

For the right price, I can be [insert other dog’s name]

Maybe you called my sister, but depending on why you’re calling I could totally be her. At least, if it involves succulent treats, snuggling, or going for a walk. If you were calling for bath time or going to the vet, I’m not her.

I don’t want your ‘milkbones’

You know those rainbow bone shaped rocks people stick out windows at the coffee shop? What even are those? Why are you gifting them to me? Why does everyone expect me to eat it? It looks like a unicorn pooped it and smells like hardtack from the 18th century. In any case, it’s definitely not chihuahua certified food.

I’m sick. What do you want me to do? Leave you a post-it note?

One of the most aggravating things about being a chihuahua in a land dominated by humans, is no one actually pays attention to chihuahua talk. If I have a toothache, it usually takes 4 or 5 years before someone notices, and then I have to have 16 teeth pulled.

Don’t get me wrong, I hate vets, but I also don’t want to walk around with a broken tooth for literally half my life before it’s taken care of. If I’m not acting right, that’s your post-it note. Make sure I’m checked out. I might pee in your shoes later for revenge, but deep down I’m really thankful.

Signed,

Your little stinker, the chihuahua

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